How Your Upbringing Shapes Your Relationship with Money

Dr. John Lee
Dec 18, 2024
4 min read

And How to Break Free from Beliefs Holding You Back

We all have a “money story,” whether we realize it or not. Maybe you catch yourself feeling guilty every time you spend on something nice. Or perhaps you avoid looking at your bank account, letting the anxiety linger in the background. Some of us believe money is the answer to every problem, while others hoard it out of fear of losing it.

Where do these habits come from? They don’t appear out of nowhere. Financial psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz explain that these behaviours are rooted in money scripts—unconscious beliefs about money shaped by our upbringing, culture, and early experiences.

The truth is, these scripts once served a purpose. Maybe saving obsessively felt necessary when finances were tight. Or maybe spending gave you a sense of freedom you lacked growing up. But when these scripts go unexamined, they can sabotage your ability to manage money in ways that truly align with your life and values.

Let’s break this down: What are money scripts, how do they show up, and how can you rewrite them to build a healthier, more intentional relationship with money?

Money Scripts: The Quiet Narratives Guiding Your Habits

Money scripts often start as subtle messages we absorb in childhood and carry into adulthood. Maybe you heard:

“Money is the root of all evil.”
“If I just make more money, that will solve everything”
“My actual worth depends on how much money I have.”
“Save every penny—you never know when it’ll run out.”

Over time, these beliefs become ingrained and shape how we behave. The Klontzes identified four main types of money scripts that drive our financial habits:

Money Avoidance
Money Worship
Money Status
Money Vigilance

Let’s explore what these scripts look like and how to challenge them.

The Four Money Scripts

1. Money Avoidance: “Money is Bad.”

Do you associate money with stress, conflict, or guilt? If you grew up hearing that money was a source of evil, greed, or harm, you might avoid dealing with finances altogether—ignoring bills, avoiding conversations, or under-earning out of fear of seeming selfish.

How It Shows Up: You procrastinate on financial planning or feel guilty spending on yourself.
The Impact: Missed opportunities to build security or plan for the future.

How to Rewrite It: Shift your perspective: Money isn’t good or bad—it’s a tool. It can create stability, generosity, and freedom. Start small: create a weekly “money check-in” to build confidence, or automate saving so you don’t have to think about it.

2. Money Worship: “More Money Will Solve Everything.”

If you grew up believing success = money, or you experienced financial scarcity, you might see money as the cure to all problems. You work harder, spend impulsively for relief, or pin happiness on “just earning a little more.”

How It Shows Up: Overspending, prioritizing work over relationships, or always feeling like it’s “never enough.”
The Impact: Chasing external success can leave you exhausted and unfulfilled.

How to Rewrite It: Ask yourself: What does happiness mean beyond money? Studies show once basic needs are met, money doesn’t equal more joy. Invest in experiences, relationships, and self-care. Create goals based on how you want to live, not just what you want to earn.

3. Money Status: “My Worth = My Wealth.”

When money becomes tied to your identity, it’s easy to overspend to “keep up” or prove your value. If you grew up in a household where success was measured by appearances—like cars, clothes, or status—you might feel pressure to display wealth, even at the cost of financial health.

How It Shows Up: Comparing yourself to others, spending on luxury items, or avoiding conversations about debt.
The Impact: Living beyond your means and neglecting long-term goals.

How to Rewrite It: Remind yourself: You are not your net worth. Focus on what you value most—security, time, freedom—and make financial choices that reflect that. Practice gratitude for what you have and recognize that status symbols don’t define who you are.

4. Money Vigilance: “I Must Be Careful With Every Dollar.”

If money felt scarce or fragile growing up, you may cling to it for safety—saving excessively, feeling anxious about spending, or avoiding any financial risk. While saving is smart, this mindset can keep you from enjoying or growing your wealth.

How It Shows Up: Feeling guilty spending on anything “unnecessary,” or refusing to invest out of fear of loss.
The Impact: Missing opportunities to enjoy life or build long-term financial security.

How to Rewrite It: Balance is key. Remind yourself: Money is there to support my life, not to cause constant worry. Start with small steps—like creating “fun money” in your budget for guilt-free spending on things that bring you joy.

Rewriting Your Money Story: Practical Steps

1. Identify Your Money Scripts

Reflect on your financial beliefs:

What messages did I absorb growing up about money?
How do I feel when I save, spend, or talk about money?
Are these patterns helping or holding me back?

2. Challenge Limiting Thoughts

When a script pops up—like “Spending is irresponsible” or “I’ll never have enough”—pause and reframe:

“Spending on things I value is healthy and intentional.”
“I can take small steps toward financial security."

3. Align Your Habits with Your Values

Ask yourself: What matters most to me? Is it freedom, security, travel, family? When you connect your financial habits to your values, money becomes a tool for living the life you truly want.

4. Take Small, Consistent Steps

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Whether it’s automating your savings, learning about investments, or tracking spending for awareness, small steps add up to transformation.

Final Thoughts: Your Money Story Isn’t Finished

Your beliefs about money were shaped by your upbringing, but they don’t have to define you. By identifying your money scripts, challenging the thoughts that hold you back, and aligning your financial habits with your values, you can rewrite your story.

Money doesn’t have to be a source of guilt, fear, or stress. It can be a resource for freedom, growth, and the things that matter most to you. Small, intentional changes today can lead to a healthier, more balanced relationship with money—one where you’re in control.

Sources

Klontz, B. T., Britt, S. L., Mentzer, J., & Klontz, P. T. (2011). Money beliefs and financial behaviors: Development of the Klontz Money Script Inventory. Journal of Financial Therapy, 2(1), 1-22. https://doi.org/10.4148/jft.v2i1.451

And How to Break Free from Beliefs Holding You Back

Where do these habits come from? They don’t appear out of nowhere. Financial psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz explain that these behaviours are rooted in money scripts—unconscious beliefs about money shaped by our upbringing, culture, and early experiences.

Let’s break this down: What are money scripts, how do they show up, and how can you rewrite them to build a healthier, more intentional relationship with money?

Money Scripts: The Quiet Narratives Guiding Your Habits

Money scripts often start as subtle messages we absorb in childhood and carry into adulthood. Maybe you heard:

“Money is the root of all evil.”

“If I just make more money, that will solve everything”

“My actual worth depends on how much money I have.”

“Save every penny—you never know when it’ll run out.”

Over time, these beliefs become ingrained and shape how we behave. The Klontzes identified four main types of money scripts that drive our financial habits:

Money Avoidance

Money Worship

Money Status

Money Vigilance

Let’s explore what these scripts look like and how to challenge them.

The Four Money Scripts

1. Money Avoidance: “Money is Bad.”

Do you associate money with stress, conflict, or guilt? If you grew up hearing that money was a source of evil, greed, or harm, you might avoid dealing with finances altogether—ignoring bills, avoiding conversations, or under-earning out of fear of seeming selfish.

How It Shows Up: You procrastinate on financial planning or feel guilty spending on yourself.

The Impact: Missed opportunities to build security or plan for the future.

How to Rewrite It: Shift your perspective: Money isn’t good or bad—it’s a tool. It can create stability, generosity, and freedom. Start small: create a weekly “money check-in” to build confidence, or automate saving so you don’t have to think about it.

2. Money Worship: “More Money Will Solve Everything.”

If you grew up believing success = money, or you experienced financial scarcity, you might see money as the cure to all problems. You work harder, spend impulsively for relief, or pin happiness on “just earning a little more.”

How It Shows Up: Overspending, prioritizing work over relationships, or always feeling like it’s “never enough.”

The Impact: Chasing external success can leave you exhausted and unfulfilled.

How to Rewrite It: Ask yourself: What does happiness mean beyond money? Studies show once basic needs are met, money doesn’t equal more joy. Invest in experiences, relationships, and self-care. Create goals based on how you want to live, not just what you want to earn.

3. Money Status: “My Worth = My Wealth.”

When money becomes tied to your identity, it’s easy to overspend to “keep up” or prove your value. If you grew up in a household where success was measured by appearances—like cars, clothes, or status—you might feel pressure to display wealth, even at the cost of financial health.

How It Shows Up: Comparing yourself to others, spending on luxury items, or avoiding conversations about debt.

The Impact: Living beyond your means and neglecting long-term goals.

How to Rewrite It: Remind yourself: You are not your net worth. Focus on what you value most—security, time, freedom—and make financial choices that reflect that. Practice gratitude for what you have and recognize that status symbols don’t define who you are.

4. Money Vigilance: “I Must Be Careful With Every Dollar.”

If money felt scarce or fragile growing up, you may cling to it for safety—saving excessively, feeling anxious about spending, or avoiding any financial risk. While saving is smart, this mindset can keep you from enjoying or growing your wealth.

How It Shows Up: Feeling guilty spending on anything “unnecessary,” or refusing to invest out of fear of loss.

The Impact: Missing opportunities to enjoy life or build long-term financial security.

How to Rewrite It: Balance is key. Remind yourself: Money is there to support my life, not to cause constant worry. Start with small steps—like creating “fun money” in your budget for guilt-free spending on things that bring you joy.

Rewriting Your Money Story: Practical Steps

1. Identify Your Money Scripts

Reflect on your financial beliefs:

What messages did I absorb growing up about money?

How do I feel when I save, spend, or talk about money?

Are these patterns helping or holding me back?

2. Challenge Limiting Thoughts

When a script pops up—like “Spending is irresponsible” or “I’ll never have enough”—pause and reframe:

“Spending on things I value is healthy and intentional.”

“I can take small steps toward financial security."

3. Align Your Habits with Your Values

Ask yourself: What matters most to me? Is it freedom, security, travel, family? When you connect your financial habits to your values, money becomes a tool for living the life you truly want.

4. Take Small, Consistent Steps

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Whether it’s automating your savings, learning about investments, or tracking spending for awareness, small steps add up to transformation.

Final Thoughts: Your Money Story Isn’t Finished

Your beliefs about money were shaped by your upbringing, but they don’t have to define you. By identifying your money scripts, challenging the thoughts that hold you back, and aligning your financial habits with your values, you can rewrite your story.

Money doesn’t have to be a source of guilt, fear, or stress. It can be a resource for freedom, growth, and the things that matter most to you. Small, intentional changes today can lead to a healthier, more balanced relationship with money—one where you’re in control.

Sources

Klontz, B. T., Britt, S. L., Mentzer, J., & Klontz, P. T. (2011). Money beliefs and financial behaviors: Development of the Klontz Money Script Inventory. Journal of Financial Therapy, 2(1), 1-22. https://doi.org/10.4148/jft.v2i1.451

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